quid pro quo

was having a conversation today
about quid pro quo.
about wanting those kind of friendships...

the friend i was talking to, agreed, and said, yes, give and take.

i had to stop and think about why that term did not jive.
was it the negativity that it connotates?
was it just the fact that it wasn't my term?

and i came to the conclusion that give and take is not quid pro quo at all.
quid pro quo is something for something.
give and be given.

it is relationship,
it is friendship,
it is equality.
it is love.

give and take is such a selfish state.
one sided.
the person giving, is the person taking.
i despise takers.

may i live my life quid pro quo with all i come in contact with.
no more give and take.

nothin'

i just don't have anything.
and i guess that is okay.

Isaiah Jr.

 

on being

i want to be the kind of person who loses myself in the presence of another human being.
any human being.
every human being.

i want to get so wrapped up in them, and their struggles, and joys, and their lives, that i cease to exist, outside of the relationship that i am experiencing with that individual.

i want to be exhausted at the end of a visit, because i poured myself out for them, in order to be filled up by them.

i want to give myself away, so i can be available for every person i come in contact with.
every one.

i want people to know that i love them, by my actions and my words.
i want to be used.

real.
and honest.
and lovely.

a friend.

my prayer today.

may the meditations of my mouth echo the cries in my heart.
to be real.
and whole.
and lovely.
and honest.

 

lord, let me be honest with myself, first.
so that i won't
judge your people, my people,
with my preconceived ideas
of who i think they need to be.
amen.

all you need is love.

when did we stop believing that?
love is all you need... that's what the Beatles said anyway.

and really, it is.

when did it become okay with us, as a species to show anything but kindness toward our equals? why did we somehow decide that because of what you look like, where you were born, or how much money you make, you are somehow valued less?

i just don't get it.

love.
it's all you need.
all you need is love.
practice it.

believe that you are worth that love.
because you are.

This is long... stay with me.

...from Donald Miller

"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have him all figured out, mapped out, and as my pastor, Rick, says, "dissected and put into jars on a shelf." You've got a bunch of Catholics in Rome who think one way about God, and a bunch of Baptists in Texas who think another, and that isn't even the beginning. It goes on and on and on like this, and it makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours.

And it isn't just religion, either. I met a guy not long ago who was very conservative and had opinions all over him, and he was saying why God agreed with his political ideas and why that made his political ideas right. The whole time he was talking to me I was thinking about those guys in Africa, and I was feeling like this guy with the opinions was presenting a kind of Jesus who didn't even exist. His Jesus was just an invention of his imagination, someone who more or less justified his position concerning a lot of different political opinions. Sitting there listening to him made me feel tired. People like that should have an island.

But I suppose I can't blame him because, in my life, God is always changing the way I think of Him. I am not saying God Himself is changing, or that my theology is open and I blur the lines on truth; I am only saying I think I know who He is, then I figure out I don't know very much at all.

For instance, and as I have said, a lot of people believe God responds to formulas, but He doesn't. So that is one example of how our idea of God is always becoming a bit more accurate. And that's one of the things you notice about Jesus in the Gospels, that He is always going around saying, You have heard it said such and such, but I tell you some other thing. If you happened to be a person who thought they knew everything about God, Jesus would have been completely annoying."

miss you....

 

am i who i thought i was?

 

a question i struggle with often.
am i really who i say that i am? am i really who i sincerely thought i was?
i want to be so much more.
and if who i thought i was, is even less than who i really am...
i have even further to go then i thought.

grumpy old troll

feel like the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge today.
maybe it's the rain.
maybe it's the cold.
maybe it's because i am solo parent for a few more days.
or maybe it's just because i AM a grumpy old troll.

 

Play Me

The lucky winner of the extra credit points, which mean nothing of course, except bragging rights... was Mary.
My buddy Neil Diamond's song Play Me.
Seriously. Love Neil.
Yesterday in the car I was rocking out to "Forever in Blue Jeans".
The kids thought I was completely lame.

fun.

fifty extra credit points for whoever can finish this line...

"you are the sun, i am the moon
you are the song, i am the tune..."

no one left to be stupid with.

My sister boarded a plane at the crack of dawn this morning, to head back to Centralia, Washington. Her family misses her. We had a great time, and drove everyone around us completely nuts with our inside jokes, and continually saying the same thing at the same time.

 

It was really a bit strange, because we weren't friends when we were kids, at all... in fact, she used to chase me around the kitchen table with butcher knives threatening to kill me... and she moved out of the house when I was only 11 years old.
But many of our mannerisms are the same, as well as our voices. At times my kids found it difficult to figure out who was speaking.

About an hour before she left, Steve also boarded a plane. He is out of town until Monday. So now, I am lonely.
And it is raining.
And cold.
So, I think I will brew some coffee, and put on some James Taylor.

and get this...

I paid $1.91 for E-85 fuel in West Des Moines, Iowa yesterday.

a few more... for posterity

 

 

 

The bridges of Madison County....

Well, it was a long drive. However, the company was wonderful, and the bridges beautiful.

 

The best part about the actual bridges, was the fact that there was no one else there.
Could have been the fact that it was freezing, raining, and gale force winds... but I could be wrong.

 

We DID take a picture of ourselves in EVERY bridge. :)

 

And most of the bridges were in the middle of nowhere.
And by nowhere, I mean nowhere.

 

We are out.

 

Heading out in the morning for an all day road trip. No kids. Just us being stupid.
Supposed to rain all day....

A good day for Brody

 

 

 

Coffee....

 

Quite pleasant, and not the near death experience.

Me and my sister.

 

At the swinging bridge... we had a near death experience also, at Wildcat Den... that story later.

pieces of us

 

 

 

 

sheepy

 

Isaiah sporting his "mommy made" cuff

 

words

been thinking a lot today about how words work. how we can, as a people, be so attached to these little letters, that somehow come together and convey meaning. hopes. dreams. they can build up. or they can break down.
words start wars.
words connect life.
it is so strange.
i am particularly affected by words. i can remember entire conversations, word for word. i can see words on a test, and pages in a book, all in my mind.
words mean more to me then gestures.
so i am going to try to begin, today, using my words wisely.
i am going to try to be deliberate in my use.
words hurt.
and i don't want to hurt.
so, be blessed by my words to you now...

thank you.
from the deepest parts of me, thank you.
you are a gift.
beauty. light. joy.
my heart rejoices in knowing you.
YOU.
you are loved.

genes

 

Light in a dark room

 

Isaiah and me

 

Practically heaven

Jody was telling me the other day, about this great recipe she found for making a cake in a coffee mug. I have to say, I was a bit skeptical. But then, she posted about it, and it looked good.
So, tonight I was procrastinating, because I didn't want to go to the store, so I thought to myself, this would be the perfect time to try that cake.
And I did.
And it was practically heaven.

 

 

Three minutes people.
Three minutes to practically heaven.
It was a good night indeed.

Wild Turkey

The animal.
saw five of them today in a field by our house.
It is proof once again, that autumn is upon us. Although today, with temperatures near eighty, it seems hard to believe at times.

Last game of the season for #25

Basketball begins Tuesday.

 

 

 

Today's Mental Checklist

1. Things I know for sure - quite a few
2. Things I don't know for sure - quite a few more
3. Things I'll discover I don't know as I go along (only a rough estimate) - about as much as things I currently don't know
4. Things I tell my children that I don't believe myself - lots, but now they're older I tell them I'm making it up & they can believe it at their own risk
5. things that make sense if you stop to think about it
a. in daylight - lot unless there's media or government involved
b. late at night - almost nothing, so it's better to just go back to sleep
6. Things I believe that people a thousand years ago believed, too - quite a few but I lived in L.A. when I was younger, so I have a good excuse
--Story People

The pumpkin patch

It was a beautiful, warm morning at the patch. The kids were wonderfully entertaining, and the pumpkins were perfect.

 

 

 

 

SO THERE!

 

All in

Is it possible to feel confusion and clarity at the same time?
Is it possible to know and not know all together?
Pain and love, in the same breath, the same heartbeat?
If it is,
I am there.
And it is not all together terrible. There is a mysterious joy in feeling...
even when the feelings are not good.
An exhilarating zing in my head, a quickening of the heart, knowing that I am alive, awake, and feeling.
Really feeling.

The firey pumpkin

The fire on the wall.
If you look hard, you can see the little black marks going up the wall... like to the top of the painting.

 

Wicked little smile.

 

Bubbly black mess.

 

Raining Outside

I love walking in the rain. No coat, no umbrella, no boots.
Just me and the water, washing me clean.
I could walk for hours...
It reminds me of home.
Reminds me of Pike Place Market,
the smell of espresso,
the Puget Sound,
evergreens, and mountains.

Almost died last night

It started with a candle.

Steve had set it, a tea light, from IKEA, on the mantle.
Then I opened my mouth, and said, "Why did you just stick the bare little candle up there? We DO have a very cute pumpkin candle holder you can put it in, right next to where you set it!" So, I proceeded to put said candle in it's rightful place.

I was busy on the computer :) and Steve was getting things together for today, when he very calmly walked into our room, and said, "Why don't you go take a look at your cute pumpkin candle holder now."

So I jumped up. And walked to the living room, to see the candle holder in flames.
I was super nervous, even though the flames were small, and thought, I can just blow out the candle, duh. So I proceeded to walk over, huff, and puff, and a HUGE BALL of flames shot out from the pumpkin. By huge, I am talking like, the size of a softball. Which, when flaming on your wood mantle, next to your darling children, is actually the size of an atomic bomb.

Emily, watching from the other side of the room, said, "Dad tried that too."
Thanks Em.

So, water, I thought.
Now running to the kitchen, I grab a cup full of water, and a dish towel, to clean up the spilled water.

I got a bit too close, and poured the glass upon the pumpkin.
Flames shot all the way up to the top of the painting we have over the fireplace, about three feet above the pumpkin.

Brody screamed, and ran to his room. (Where he stayed, in the dark, head buried under his pillow, until I went and rescued him after the commotion was over.)

Just like that, the flames disappeared, and the fire was out.

But I was seriously shaken.
A stupid candle holder, and our home could have been gone.

And incidentally, when Steve finally came out of the BATHROOM, he said, "What happened?" I said, "I had to pour water on it, to put it out."

He said, "I bet it totally exploded."

Uh, yeah, it did.
Thanks for your help.

And football...

 

 

 

Soccer today....

 

 

 

A couple more, since it was such a beautiful day.

 

 

A hike with my baby boy

Brody and I decided the day was too nice to waste, so we headed out on a hike.

 

It was sunny, and warm, but not too warm, the ice stayed perfect in our water bottle

 

Baby love

 

more from our hike...

snacking alone

 

there were treasures discovered at every turn

 

brody said this looked like his halloween costume (a bat)

 

Ladies and Gentlemen....... I give you, The President.

 

As voted on, by the student council of Madison School, you are looking at the student body President for the 2008/2009 school year.
He was very excited.
This Presidency wraps up his years at Madison, precluded by general student council member, and Vice President last year.
We are so proud Isaiah, so proud.

Fun at the Smith house

Monday there was no school.
So, the kids (excluding Emily, who was reading her second book of the weekend), made up this game.
It consisted of running and jumping into pillows and blankets.
Good times at the Smith house.
Good times.

 

 

 

 

Fall.

I love fall. My favorite colors. My favorite weather.

 

Sunshine and cool days. Warm houses. Hot coffee. Pumpkins.
Candles. And candy corn. Yes, definitely candy corn.

 

Wide Awake

i know i spoke a while back about being in a state of waking up. like i had been in some sort of a sleep like state for too long.

much has happened.
and i am wide awake.

and longing to go back to sleep.

because sometimes the reality of truth is too much to take. too much to look on with open eyes. because sometimes i wish that i could close my eyes, and let the reality in my dreams, be the reality in my days.

this world is broken.
and seeing that for what it is, makes me want to close my eyes again.