raw.

i have been asked several times over the last three months,
how are YOU?
and to be honest, i haven't really stopped to explore how i really am.
i have been trudging through
one day at a time
sometimes hour by hour

don't get me wrong,
it has been an incredible three months,
but it has been work.
exhausting work.

i love my daughter fiercely.
and if i had asked myself six months ago, if i thought i would feel this deep attachment and love for her this quickly, i would have said no.
i can say it is a gift.

but it is also a burden.

it is really difficult to adopt an older child,
i knew this, i read all the books.
i was prepared to deal with her loss, her love, her devotion to her original home and family, and even her resentment of us, for taking her away...
now, she has not really reacted this way at all,
she talks about Ethiopia with love, and some hurt, but she generally seems grounded.

i was not prepared for MY emotions.

did we make the right decision taking her away from a mother who loved her so desperately?
would it have been better for her, if we just supported her mom, and her brother and sisters back in Ethiopia?
am i screwing her up by taking her away?

and if i am completely honest,
i sometimes look at families who have adopted babies and toddlers with a little bit of jealousy...
they are not hearing their daughter speak daily about her mom, about her sweet baby brother, about having no food.

it is like a scab that is continually being ripped off of a healing wound.

i love her so much. so deeply.
i cannot imagine a life without her in it, not a day, even.

but the truth is, i feel so selfish for taking her away from a beautiful land, and beautiful people who genuinely loved her too.

with joy there is pain.
and our adoption is no different i suppose.

school pictures...

we didn't get photos of emily this year at the high school
for some reason they cost way more...
and she had to wear her bright yellow student council t-shirt that day,
so we figured it wasn't worth it.
i have lots of great photos of her, no need for a posed one from school.

so, hannah 5th grade, and isaiah 7th grade

 

micah 2nd grade, and bosena 1st grade

 

and brody kindergarten
(clearly they brushed his hair here... ugh. glad we cut it. :) )

 

ADOPTION T-SHIRTS

 

 

 

so, we got these printed just a week before we left for Ethiopia.. not knowing we were going.
needless to say, i never posted them.
we sold them at our adoption concert benefit, but that was as far as i got.

they are printed on anvil unisex 100% preshrunk cotton.
they are true to size.
we have Small, Medium, Large, XL, and 2XL
$20 each, no tax.
send me an e-mail at: muscatineamy at hotmail.com, and i will confirm size before you pay me via paypal only (unless you are local, then i will take check or cash).

I designed the shirt, based on St. Francis' prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

she's gonna change the world..

with her own two hands

 

broken.

isaiah played his last football game of the season yesterday,
his last game as a 7th grader.
and his last game for awhile.

 

 

 

this is the moment that his shoulder broke.
literally.
the arm bone just under his shoulder broke all the way through, and was displaced.
the break is through his growth plate, so there is a possibility that his right arm will be shorter than his left.
there is a possiblity that he will need surgery to insert external pins to hold the bone in place while it heals.

 

and you know what?
he held on to the ball.
he stayed until the end of the game.
and he went to school today, after getting home from the university hospital at 2am.

i tried to tell him it was okay to stay home, to sleep, to decompress (pun inteneded).
but he wouldn't.

and now i am wondering how he is navigating three flights of stairs while on Percocet.
i love my boy so much.

six of my favorite people...