i have been asked several times over the last three months,
how are YOU?
and to be honest, i haven't really stopped to explore how i really am.
i have been trudging through
one day at a time
sometimes hour by hour
don't get me wrong,
it has been an incredible three months,
but it has been work.
i love my daughter fiercely.
and if i had asked myself six months ago, if i thought i would feel this deep attachment and love for her this quickly, i would have said no.
i can say it is a gift.
but it is also a burden.
it is really difficult to adopt an older child,
i knew this, i read all the books.
i was prepared to deal with her loss, her love, her devotion to her original home and family, and even her resentment of us, for taking her away...
now, she has not really reacted this way at all,
she talks about Ethiopia with love, and some hurt, but she generally seems grounded.
i was not prepared for MY emotions.
did we make the right decision taking her away from a mother who loved her so desperately?
would it have been better for her, if we just supported her mom, and her brother and sisters back in Ethiopia?
am i screwing her up by taking her away?
and if i am completely honest,
i sometimes look at families who have adopted babies and toddlers with a little bit of jealousy...
they are not hearing their daughter speak daily about her mom, about her sweet baby brother, about having no food.
it is like a scab that is continually being ripped off of a healing wound.
i love her so much. so deeply.
i cannot imagine a life without her in it, not a day, even.
but the truth is, i feel so selfish for taking her away from a beautiful land, and beautiful people who genuinely loved her too.
with joy there is pain.
and our adoption is no different i suppose.