Thursday, October 14, 2010

raw.

i have been asked several times over the last three months,
how are YOU?
and to be honest, i haven't really stopped to explore how i really am.
i have been trudging through
one day at a time
sometimes hour by hour

don't get me wrong,
it has been an incredible three months,
but it has been work.
exhausting work.

i love my daughter fiercely.
and if i had asked myself six months ago, if i thought i would feel this deep attachment and love for her this quickly, i would have said no.
i can say it is a gift.

but it is also a burden.

it is really difficult to adopt an older child,
i knew this, i read all the books.
i was prepared to deal with her loss, her love, her devotion to her original home and family, and even her resentment of us, for taking her away...
now, she has not really reacted this way at all,
she talks about Ethiopia with love, and some hurt, but she generally seems grounded.

i was not prepared for MY emotions.

did we make the right decision taking her away from a mother who loved her so desperately?
would it have been better for her, if we just supported her mom, and her brother and sisters back in Ethiopia?
am i screwing her up by taking her away?

and if i am completely honest,
i sometimes look at families who have adopted babies and toddlers with a little bit of jealousy...
they are not hearing their daughter speak daily about her mom, about her sweet baby brother, about having no food.

it is like a scab that is continually being ripped off of a healing wound.

i love her so much. so deeply.
i cannot imagine a life without her in it, not a day, even.

but the truth is, i feel so selfish for taking her away from a beautiful land, and beautiful people who genuinely loved her too.

with joy there is pain.
and our adoption is no different i suppose.

5 comments:

Natalie said...

The curse of blessings... you are wise and carry a big heart, so it can not escape your notice that even our blessings come with challenges. I am no expert, and I do not share this particular experience, but it seems to me you are right to write and talk and communicate all of your feelings and thoughts... keep it real.
Hmmmm... could adopting an older child be more like a marriage? When we marry a person, we (hopefully) realize that we are opening our lives not just to that individual, but to all of the people in their lives: Whole families merge, to some degree great or small. I think this adoption includes her family and Ethiopia, so whoa! that must be overwhelming!
God bless you Amy for asking those questions, for feeling so deeply. I hope you find answers that comfort and assure you. And I hope you keep writing and sharing, so that this burden can be reduced... so in family, and friends you find support.

dewatobay said...

I could not express my reaction to what you wrote any better than Natalie. The reality - Bosena was not with her mother. Painful for her, for her mother, and you. You are helping make a painful situation a little better. Bosena clearly feels safe in expressing her feelings, and knows that you have not totally severed her connections. They will be there forever. She's fortunate that she has a family which honors those connections.

dewatobay said...

I could not express my reaction to what you wrote any better than Natalie. The reality - Bosena was not with her mother. Painful for her, for her mother, and you. You are helping make a painful situation a little better. Bosena clearly feels safe in expressing her feelings, and knows that you have not totally severed her connections. They will be there forever. She's fortunate that she has a family which honors those connections.

Kristi and Dale said...

You did the right thing. You did the hard thing. You gave her a chance at a life that she would never get in ET. With that gift we've given our older kids, we keep the connection with their country and go back to help their people. I always think of Joseph in the bible who was sold by his brothers. God used Joseph's life to save his family many years later.

Camille said...

i know this is random but i love you and bosena love all around too