Saturday, September 13, 2008

matters of the heart

this evening, i had one of those moments of clarity. (lately they seem to come less and less frequently)

my heart does not run in parallel paths. it only intersects, or it doesn't.

i either love you, or i don't. i know that sounds kind of harsh, but the reality of it is so true for me. i don't know how to "like" a person, or think that they are "okay".

i am either all in, or i am not in at all.

and lately this has been a struggle for me. i love people hard. whether i let them know or not, i am fully committed to them, their lives, their families.
and it gets a bit tricky when, for whatever reason, the other people's hearts don't love like i do.

i open myself up to rejection. and i know this, but i still can't change it.

there is not grey in my heart.
and i tend to jump too quick.

a part of me knows i need to work on pacing myself. work on guarding myself more.

but even as i type that, there is a bigger part of me that cries out, "what the hell are you here for then? if not to love with reckless abandon?"
so i still don't know which part will win out.

but i do know this, one side will win, because in everything, there is a winner and a loser. there is either yes, or it is no.
light or dark.
no dimmer on this heart.

5 comments:

Natalie said...

I understand a great deal of this very well... there are familiar issues here. I am trying to remember some words of wisdom that I remind myself of (clarity escapes me too!) Well, the gist of the wisdom is that *we can get too caught up in false beliefs... and that we should not assume to completely comprehend other people's hearts or thoughts...*
I hope that you find a comfortable way of being your truest self and that in turn the people you love and care about recognize and honor you.

Pam said...

amy - i've read this over a couple times today because I "get it". I understand.

just so you know...be encouraged. you are truly special and i love that you love people with all that you are. you are unique because it seems these days that loyalty and deep, true friendship is too vulnerable and people can't handle it (me included sometimes). reminds me of this passage from The Message...Romans 12:9-10..."Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." The whole chapter is good on this stuff.

don't stop loving from the center of who you are. it would be a sad day.

love you and miss you!

steffany said...

No wisdom here.

I get it though.

and it can be a lonely place.

Me too.

Paul said...

It's totally OK to love hard or not at all. Just remember that your way of connecting to people isn't the same as theirs. It's a testament of real love to let those you feel strongly about connect to you in the way that they feel comfortable, giving them space to be themselves and take the steps to connect in a way that makes them feel comfortable, even if their response to you doesn't feel as strong as you want it to be.

But you know all that... Like Pam says above, "don't stop loving from the center of who you are".

Anonymous said...

all I can say to that is...to know me is to love me!! :) sorry, just being me. dg