Wednesday, July 14, 2010

i didn't used to like cheap ice cream.

not really sure i even know how to blog anymore.
it has been a long time since i put my heart out in words.

there has been much.
much that has changed me, much that doesn't need to be shared,
much that does.

i realized last night,
that i get all jumbled up in my head when i don't write things down...
not shopping or to do lists,
but my heart.

so i am going to try to get back there,
the place where words flow freely, and don't get stuck.

the fact is,
i am different than i was.

these last few months have changed me... not the obvious, like, i have a new daughter.
but the spirit kind, like, am i really who i thought i was? or was this experience what i had imagined it to be?

the answer to both of those is yes and no.

our time in Ethiopia was incredible,
i love it there... my family is there.

i was living second to second for a time though, and that is draining.

was i sad to leave? yes.

but upon returning home, i feel a sort of need to hunker down and protect.
and i am feeling guilt from this.
like i should be doing more. for water, for anyone in need, for the widowed, the orphaned.
it is never enough.
and i am feeling the weight of that these days.

last night around midnight,
i went to the freezer, to get a bowl of chocolate brownie ice cream, and found myself excited about the blue bunny.
it wasn't ben and jerry's, it wasn't even bryers.
it was the cheapest of cheap,
and i was thrilled.

i spent the next two hours pondering what that really means, in my head, and in my heart.

because i am different now than i was.

i didn't used to like cheap ice cream.

6 comments:

steffany said...

love that you're writing again. I have missed connecting with you on this level. I love you

mindy said...

Leave it to you to incorporate ice cream to illustrate what is going on in your spirit! To me this is beautiful- like God is providing for you in such a way that all the non important things of this world fall away. Love it! ;}

Kerry said...

I can absolutely relate to your need/desire to just hunker down with your family. I understand how the world looks different, obvisouly our experiences are different, but I understand that feeling.
Really I get the whole thing, except the ice cream I've never been bothered by the cheap stuff ;)

Deanne said...

loved every word of this post!

dewatobay said...

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.
Cicero

I'm thankful for you.

gigglechirp said...

I feel this. I'm in tears. Thanks for writing.

Happy to have met you in Ethiopia. Hope to see you again since we're not so far.

I haven't been blogging much in a long while either - not of much substance anyway - mostly pics!

I'm having a hard time finding the words. This happened a bit on our first trip, but this time is different.

Look forward to following ya here and FB. Love to your whole family!

Jenni