i didn't used to like cheap ice cream.

not really sure i even know how to blog anymore.
it has been a long time since i put my heart out in words.

there has been much.
much that has changed me, much that doesn't need to be shared,
much that does.

i realized last night,
that i get all jumbled up in my head when i don't write things down...
not shopping or to do lists,
but my heart.

so i am going to try to get back there,
the place where words flow freely, and don't get stuck.

the fact is,
i am different than i was.

these last few months have changed me... not the obvious, like, i have a new daughter.
but the spirit kind, like, am i really who i thought i was? or was this experience what i had imagined it to be?

the answer to both of those is yes and no.

our time in Ethiopia was incredible,
i love it there... my family is there.

i was living second to second for a time though, and that is draining.

was i sad to leave? yes.

but upon returning home, i feel a sort of need to hunker down and protect.
and i am feeling guilt from this.
like i should be doing more. for water, for anyone in need, for the widowed, the orphaned.
it is never enough.
and i am feeling the weight of that these days.

last night around midnight,
i went to the freezer, to get a bowl of chocolate brownie ice cream, and found myself excited about the blue bunny.
it wasn't ben and jerry's, it wasn't even bryers.
it was the cheapest of cheap,
and i was thrilled.

i spent the next two hours pondering what that really means, in my head, and in my heart.

because i am different now than i was.

i didn't used to like cheap ice cream.