Monday, September 14, 2009

war weary

so much in my heart.

reading cassie's post has given me a bit of courage,
that push i needed to share it, to explore it, to own it.

my mantra these days has been,
obedience produces blessing...

but i am not sure i really believe that.
i want to.
more than anything, i want to believe it...
but i just don't know.

this world is so broken.
i am so broken.

and it hurts.
it hurts to care.

so many people make bad choices, and still do well.
they are still happy, still blessed.

and at times, i want more than anything to be okay with that.
to be okay with easy.
with what feels right at the moment.
with following my dreams, and forgetting about reality.

and in the end, i am in a constant battle.

a constant battle.

a war between my heart, and the heart of jesus.

i wish i wasn't so competitive,
that i didn't want to win.

wishing i could wave the white flag, and say, you're right...
but that is not my nature.

so i battle.
and i lose.

thank god i lose.


Cassie said...

thank you.
it feels so much better when you realize you are not alone.
that you aren't the only one who often times has selfish thoughts and desires.
it's so discouraging to think everyone else has if figured out and yet you can't seem to get to that point.
so thanks.
love you.

Anonymous said...

amy, i am sooooo confused between this broken world and "this is our God" lots going on in my head and heart.....I don't think I am exactly on the same page as you but I do understand the "battle of the heart" Love you girl-dg