so much in my heart.
reading cassie's post has given me a bit of courage,
that push i needed to share it, to explore it, to own it.
my mantra these days has been,
obedience produces blessing...
but i am not sure i really believe that.
i want to.
more than anything, i want to believe it...
but i just don't know.
this world is so broken.
i am so broken.
and it hurts.
it hurts to care.
so many people make bad choices, and still do well.
they are still happy, still blessed.
and at times, i want more than anything to be okay with that.
to be okay with easy.
with what feels right at the moment.
with following my dreams, and forgetting about reality.
and in the end, i am in a constant battle.
a constant battle.
a war between my heart, and the heart of jesus.
i wish i wasn't so competitive,
that i didn't want to win.
wishing i could wave the white flag, and say, you're right...
but that is not my nature.
so i battle.
and i lose.
thank god i lose.